2boxers

I made it! The screaming, the petty fights, the crying spells…and that’s just the grown ups! I made it. I had three slices of pizza (more than I Had planned!) one rather large serving of cheese doodles, three cookies, a tiny ice cream cone, and at least a gallon of Diet Dr Pepper. It was much more extravagant than I had planned my calories for. Then I got an email from my buddy Linda, to which I replied:

I’ve decided that it’s not really an “all or nothing” venture. My feeling is that this has to be a lifestyle change. So I need to eat healthy most of the time. But if I am not allowed to screw up, have a few treats, splurge, and just screw up now and again, I know I will fail in the end. Maybe it’s like a war: a series of smaller and larger battles. Some we will win, some we will lose, but it’s winning the war that matters, right?

“I’ve decided that it’s not really an “all or nothing” venture. My feeling is that this has to be a lifestyle change. So I need to eat healthy most of the time. But if I am not allowed to screw up, have a few treats, splurge, and just screw up now and again, I know I will fail in the end. Maybe it’s like a war: a series of smaller and larger battles. Some we will win, some we will lose, but it’s winning the war that matters, right?

I ate pizza, cheese doodles, cookies, ice cream, and a LOT of diet Dr Pepper last night. But it’s just one night. I’ve decided this morning to eat healthy. You do the same. Just decide it.”

Then stick to it!

In other news…I’ve got a ton of housework to catch up on. It’s so sad. I spent the whole day Thursday washing dishes, cleaning toilets, vacumming, mopping, and putting things away. Here it is Saturday and my house looks like some one unleashed the Tazmanian Devil in here. I guess I should be happy. It’s my family & my animals that make such a mess, and I have been very blessed in the family & animals department!

I hope y’all have a great day & thank you for all the comments & support. We will do this!

Kelly

My husband and I host a thing called “Kid’s Night Out” at our church. We let the parents come & drop the kids off for a junk food dinner, games, movies and stuff and the parents get a chance to go out & be adults for three hours. (For some of the parents, it’s the only chance they get to have dinner together without the kids.) So tonight’s dinner is pizza, cheese doodles and ice cream. Mother of Pearl, help me! I’ve allowed myself to have a slice of pizza, a serving of cheese doodles, and a small helping of ice cream. I factored in my calories and I can enjoy this splurge without blowing my calories completely out of whack. (The fat & carbs are off the hook, but heck with it.) Wish me luck. Three of my biggest weaknesses are 1. Pizza, 2. Cheese doodles and 3. Ice cream.

Another potential disaster is me time. I am an extreme introvert and I require a LOT of time to just calm down. Well, after a hectic day at the preschool, rushing to my mother’s to check on her, rushing home to feed the animals, have lunch, and run the vacuum, then running back to town to pay for tonight’s pizza’s and pick up my daughter from school, then rushing to get her ready, rushing to the church, then directing 2 dozen+ kids and worse-their parents….then the clean up, then hurry home to get ours to bed before midnight…..I stood in the kitchen a few mintues ago arguing out loud with myself about whether I was going to attack the loaf of Friendship Bread left from the other night. Angel me won, devil me was expelled. For now. I really see now how much I have leaned on food to calm me. It calms me down. I know that I need to find something else to calm me down.  Blogging has helped. I feel more calm already.

So wish me luck tonight, and if you pray, send up a few for me.

It’s 2:04 est and I have not binged. Yay me!

I can’t help myself. It seems like a great way to clear out the mental flotsam, so I feel compelled to blog. It feels good, okay???

I exercised today. I didn’t have a “plan” but I logged every little scrap and morsel of food and came in at 1230 calories, which is pretty good. I felt like I was eating all day, and I think it helped me not to binge.

I also got a bit of a boost unexpectedly! I was purusing my Food Journal and I realized that my BMI had dropped! It’s below 50! Of course, “below 50″ really just means 49.5, but it really pepped me up, for some reason.

I am now 100% sure that coffee has been causing my “symptoms” lately. I’ve been dizzy, had terrible heartburn, and just felt crappy. I went without coffee today and felt fine until just ten minutes ago, just to see what would happen, I drank a cup. I’m dizzy. I expect my heartburn will kick in soon.

In looking over my food journal, I see that I am mostly eating carbs! Eek! That can’t be good! How do I fix that? And do I need to? If I am losing, maybe I shouldn’t go tweaking things too much.

I went to Goodwill today and marvelled at all the cute cheap clothes I could buy if I lost all this weight. Motivation, baby! I grew up without a lot of clothes, so I am a clothing horder now. It’s hard to explain to my husband how I have a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear! It’s because nothing fits! I am going to change that, and as I lose, I am going to either throw away or donate my clothes that are too big. When you wear a size 26/28, though, you tend to hold onto things until they are falling apart, so most of my stuff will go in the trash.

Dinner tonight is baked chicken, pinto beans, and a big old green leafy salad! Y’all come on over!

I got a red star!!!! I decided to weigh in today and found that I had lost three pounds, giving me a total of 11 lost! Well hot diggity! This week I have managed to eat well for two days. Maybe I didn’t do too much damage when I binged.

Maybe it’s my imagination, but my tight jeans are fitting a bit better today. I can sit down and breath at the same time. Could eleven pounds really make a difference? Seem unlikely when you are as big as me, but there ya go.

Today is grocery day and I have plans to buy healthy. I’ve not mentioned to my husband that I am trying to eat well, but he seems to be on the same kick as me. He asked me to get fruit & salad making stuff today. That’s good. If I am not buying junk for him, then it won’t be in the house for me to binge on.

And with that, I am off to start my day! Thank you all for the support and help. It means so much!

So, I get too hung up on the numbers. And I got to thinking this morning, after having to practice my contortionist act to wipe my butt, of the things I want to achieve besides an actual number. SO I thought I should list them:

1. I want to be able to wipe without having to do the twist.

2. I want to be able to paint my toenails and breath at the same time.

3. I want to be able to tie my shoe laces and  breath at the same time.

4. I want to wake up feeling decent.

5. I want to be rid of heartburn.

6. I want to be able to chase my daughter.

7. I want to be able to climb a flight of stairs without breaking a sweat.

8. I want to be able to shop in a regular clothing store.

9. I want to be able to drive the car without having the steering wheel hang up on my belly.

10. I want to stop dealing with foot, ankle and knee pain.

I’ll limit it to ten for now. These are basic little things that I’ll wager that normal people don’t think about. How many people who are a healthy weight stop and think about the position they have to be in to be able to reach their butt crack? Not many, I’m sure.

I just finished day II of Walk Away The Pounds. It’s so strange. I used to walk three miles a day, lift weights two days a week, and take cardio kick boxing two nights a week.Now a little one mile walk in my living room is kicking my butt. My dogs enjoyed it, though. I’m sure they think I’ve lost what little bit of mind I ever had.

Yep, here we go. Day two of eating right for the rest of my life. I am feeling strangely optimistic, especially for some one whose best friend is food. Last night, I even dreamed about food.

I have aplan today, though. My food is pretty much planned out, and I’ve set aside time in my day to Walk Away The Pounds with Leslie. I have found in the past that if I have ap lan, I do much better. Which reminds me…anyone know where I can find an eating plan? If I have a set plan that I can print out-and it has to be “An Official Plan” so that I feel obligated and am not tempted to stray because, after all, it’s my plan…Anyway, if I have an official plan that I can print and keep with me, I am more able to stick with it. Somehow, the expense of using the printer and ink make me financially obligated.

Last night, I found myself wandering into the kitchen after dinner, dishes, and my daughter’s bath. I would walk in there & roam around. It’s like unconsciously , I wanted to go grab some food. Then I would catch myself and try to find some other little thing to do. I wonder how much I ate just because I wandered into the kitchen? Eating numbs me. It dulls the…whatever I feel. The key is going to be figuring out what it is thst I am numbing, and then face it. I think that food has become the thing that I do for me. I am a preschool worker, so I am always doing things for the kids, then I come home and I have a few hours before I pick up my daughter, and in that time, I generally consume huge quantities of food. When my dd comes home, I’m working on homework, playing with her, helping her with chores. Then the hubby comes home and I am making dinner, spending time with him, listening to him, and trying to be a good wife. Then it’s bedtime. I wake up at 5am and start the day all over again.

Eating has become my hobby. My “me” time. Still, I feel like I am using it to drug myself, to dull or numb. Maybe not. I don’t know. Unless I can fix my head, I won’t be able to lose this and keep this off.

SO now it’s time to fix my hair & get dressed!

Kelly

Thank you all for your replies. And to shelleyfromok…when you get those scriptures, can you email them to me? I could use those!

I posted my last entry into my blog, then I went and dug out my dusty old Walk Away The Pounds tape & plunked it in. I walked a mile in my living room while my dogs looked at me like I’d finally lost my mind. Maybe I’ve hit that bottom again. Maybe I can take off and fly again now.

I can do this. I will do it. One little baby step at a time. Lord help me. I sure can’t do it alone.

I don’t exactly recall my last post to this blog, but I know that in it, I talked about having hope that I could keep losing and not slip back into the binging. Well guess what! I’ve spent the last 2 weeks or so binging. The lovely fresh bag of salad I’d bought rotten in the bottom of my fridge. I sent the bananas and apples to school with my daughter. My celery is floppy. I see now how I sabotaged myself. So I guess it’s time to begin. Again.

God has been opening my eyes in that wonderful way He has. First, I three year old in the preschool I work at called me “fatty”. Niiice. I cried. I took my daughter and a friend of hers to a science museum that had a special exhibit dealing with outer space. They had a scale that took your weight, then told you how much you would weigh on different planets. On that scale, my earth weight was 295.5 pounds. Yikes. Then last night while farting around on facebook, my computer chair busted. I mean, one second I am sitting there, the next second, the leg of the chair (oak, by the way.) buckled, then splintered, and then I was in the floor.

I have also begun to notice how people treat me. When i was merely fat, things were not so bad, but now that I am full out obese and can’t mask it too well, things have gotten ugly. The moms at the preschool practically ignore me. Many of the kids will have nothing to do with me. Is it just my imagination? When I weighed a mere 170 pounds, I was not this social outcast. One hundred and twenty pounds later and all my social relationships have disappeared. Is it because of my weight or am I circling my emotional wagons to keep from getting my feelings hurt.

I saw a picture my father posted on facebook-it was ap icture of my daughter and I and all I could think was “Who is that fat woman with my kid?” Twas me. Scary.

So in tears this morning, I emailed my Buddyslim buddy, Linda. I was so upset (I had just gotten finished fighting with my clothes for the day-it’s hard to get dressed when you are obese. Everything makes your butt look big!) that I don’t even recall what I said. Sorry Linda! But I must lose this weight. I simply must. I can’t live this way. No hope, no strength, no nothing. I have to stop binging, I have to stop over eating, I have to stop.

Lord help me. I sure can’t do this by myself.

As always, I dropped an amazing amount of pounds in the first week or eating healthy. Eight pounds. Of course, the automatic response thing posted a message that I need to go see my doctor because I dropped too much weight in one week. Well, duh! I went from having a frozen pizza, bowl of ice cream, Toblerone candy bar, another bowl of ice cream, a couple of cup cakes and maybe a banana for lunch to having a big salad, a glass of diet coke, and a healthy choice entree for lunch. You would think I’d lose eight pounds in a week, wouldn’t you?

My first weeks or two always rock. First week, I eat well & lose. Second week, I eat well and …meh…maybe don’t lose any weight and feel let down. Third week, halfway through, I begin to get angry. Look, body! I’m feeding you NOTHING and you won’t lose weight! You are eating rabbit food but you won’t drop a few measly pounds??? Three quarters of the way through week three, I give in & launch a full out attack on Burger King.

I want to break that pattern this time. I don’t want to weigh myself again until next Tuesday. But I know I will. I know it just as sure as I know my eyes are green. I want to decide that even if I don’t lose weight, I should still eat well and not binge. I want…I want…I want to be healthy. Because life is cruel, I also want a bag of Cheetos.

Food is my drug. I grew up with people who self medicated, and  I chose to abuse food. So when I begin to stop indulging my addiction, I begin to become snarfy, bitchy, mean, and at times downright evil. We are at that stage! I want my husband to just stay away from me. I am yelling at my daughter-which I hate because she is the be all end all of my life. I even snapped at my mother yesterday as well as my closest friend on a message board. Physically, I already feel better. My feet are not so swollen and they don’t really hurt. My back is beginning to ease a bit, I’m sleeping better, I have a bit more energy, and my system has begun to slough itself out (oh joy.) But I want fooooood! Not healthy food, either. I want sugar, I want a Whopper with cheese, I want a chocolate shake, I want a big old helping of parmesian encrusted tuna with some grilled veggies and a big, fat baked potato with butter, sour cream, cheese and bacon. And I could eat it, too, and it would calm me down. For a while. But then I’d want more. And instead of needing to lose about 130 pounds, I’d need lose about 230, then 300….where would it end?

It ends here. It ends now. I don’t have to give in. If I can tough this out for a few minutes more, I can get past it and learn to calm myself down without Godiva. I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to see her life and be a part of it. It’s more important to me than feeding this need now.

See? I feel better already!